How do I Judge(OBSERVE) People ?

I know I know you all must be thinking ‘judging is so outdated concept and we know judging people is bad and we don’t need you telling us that now!’

I too am aware of the fact that judging people is not cool, that’s why I used ‘observe’ instead of judge. ‘Observe’ is a recent era replacement for ‘Judge’, except with no criminal records and I can use this word without getting any eyebrows raised at me !😂

So without any further justification I shall start laying them down, one by one, for you. Here we go –

1.How do they make me feel about myself

Words have the power to both simplify and mess up things. That’s why is it always advisable that – If words hurt you, maybe just look at the intentions behind them. And I am completely on board with this thing. It works with 90% of success rate bcoz 90% of the times I haven’t rued on ignoring words of people. And it works best with people whom you have known for a very long time and you just can’t question their intentions at all! (Ex- Family, friends, etc).

But what about the other 10% of the times ? What do I do when the words are unpleasant and I am not sure about the intentions either ?(coz maybe I have just met them and don’t know them that well, unlike the above lot). It has always been a pain for me to grasp the essence of these people. Like has it ever happened to you, that you made an immature perception about someone and then later on they did something good to you,and you were like ‘I was so wrong !’, but a little later, they somehow manage to stand true to what you already thought they are like ? I know it really tangles our mind bcoz we humans can be damn unpredictable!

So to calm this disputed territory in my brain, I just always rely on one rule – How do they make me feel about myself ? How was my overall mood after meeting them? Was I happy, relieved, secure ? Or am I now feeling miserable about myself or life ?

Now I agree on that the fact that no-one can make us feel that way unless we allow them to. But honestly, I really think that its one of those lies that we have been told to feel good about people and be critical of ourselves. Why ? Imagine when someone did use their words very well but you still end up feeling bad about yourself later on. And you just endlessly start questioning your beliefs about yourself and life. But guess what ? It may also be true that they did want to make you feel that way inspite of good manipulation work with their words. And let’s just agree on the fact that –

We radiate, what we own!

Someone who is insecure about himself/ herself can unintentionally make people around them feel insecure too.

And its evident in the fact that our self esteem changes by changing our company too. A person having low self esteem will always unconsciously harm your self esteem. On the other hand, one who has a great self esteem can never leave you feeling less about yourself. Only if you are aware of this pattern about people, you will not let their self esteem affect yours.

To sum up on this, trust the vibrations ,people can lie but vibrations can't !

2. Sense of humour

I choose to joke about the things that I can’t change in life. Joking is preferably a better dumping option for me than complaining.

I define sense of humour as the ability to laugh on oneself (and without causing any harm to others). But I highly recommend not indulging in self pity and joking about being broke just to distract yourself from the situation.

If you are subconsciously using humour as an escape from 'dealing with the situation', your life itself will become a joke! 

And because I am an extrovert, I feel that people don’t usually get the opportunity to even speak (forget joking about themselves 😂) ,in that case I judge their ability to sense jokes and their response. People with sense of humour are just simply fun to hangout with, so I definitely have a personal bias towards these kinda people.

P.S – These days my favourite comedians are Vir Das and Zakir Khan.

3.Respect for boundaries

Boundaries are there for the sake of protecting things that matter in the long run ( like mental health and Rachel’s job) over the things that do not matter in the long run ( like Ross surprising Rachel in the office amidst her heavy workload ).

We all share different boundaries with different people. I have never explicitly define my boundaries with family and very close friends coz I have never felt the need . But with the new people I meet, I really directly or indirectly communicate my boundaries to them. There used to be a time when breach of boundaries used to be ‘awwww’ for me. But since I have started having a life, boundary breaching is just ‘uuggghhh’ to me! (Coz it is, right ?or it might just be an unpopular opinion).

So to sum up, respecting others' boundaries is also way to show your respect towards them. And that you put their peace of mind as a priority over your hormones or entertainment.

To conclude-

If we actually have to count ,there will be many things that I might be judging people on ,if not consciously then subconsciously. But I just feel once we know them well or we outgrow our thinking (i.e,evolve), only then we will be able to stop looking at their traits in a negative connotation ,as its often said –

The way we perceive someone else tells us more about ourselves than the other person!

But untill that awakening happens, I really feel that the above three attributes are gonna be my parameters for a substantiate amount of time in the coming future.

What are your thoughts on this subject ? How much you agree or disagree with me on this ? Or do you have your own parameters for this ? I’ll like to hear all of it.

Thanks for stopping by🌼

Complicating Life For The Sake Of Adulthood ?

I recently learnt a few basic things about preserving my mental health. These are like very tiny things that we may have stopped practicing over the years, coz I feel that alot of us unintentionally take Adulthood as synonymous to complicating simple things in life! So, here we go, simplifying them again –

1. Expectations don’t hurt, your lack of communication does

I see more instances of people getting upset with another for ‘not doing something’ rather than doing something. Like imagine those cliche videos where the wife is pissed but the husband has no idea for ‘what did he do’, but it turns out wife is upset for something that the husband ‘did not do'(poor husband he attracted a thunder without even doing anything). I have also been one of those people and also seen many of those people, who just expect the other person to read their minds 😂.

STORY TIME – So there was this day when my friend Sanjam was visiting me for a stay over, and she was having a severe headache, and instead of expecting that my 6th senses would suddenly work and I ll realise by myself that ‘she needs a head massage‘(maybe I would have or maybe I hadn’t), she just handed me the oil and asked me to give her a head massage. Sorted ! I mean it was at that point that I realised that why do adult complicate such simple things ? To be very honest, had I been at her place I might have just complained about my headache on and on to give signals to the other person, that now she should just realise by her intellect and compassion that ‘I need a head massage’😂.

You can’t disagree, we have all been there and done that! I mean are we animals who can’t express ourselves? (even they do express love better than us) or do we think that the other person possesses 6th senses to recieve such signals from us ? No kidding! Just how much easier relationships would get if everyone just becomes vocal about their needs to the other person, as simple as ‘give me head massage!’

Conclusion – Its easy to assume that people might lack empathy or compassion, but if we think about it they just lack 6th senses, but they do have the intentions to help you.

So, Rule #1 is - if you expect something from someone, just tell them, instead of waiting for them to realise on their own.

2. Don’t think ‘what they’ll think?’

About a few months back I was this person who would talk to people mostly to entertain them, like the happy talks, and I’d feel guilty of sharing the sad things because apparantly I might bore them (according to me). And so whenever I was having a bad day, I’d chose not to share it with people around me, thinking that they’ll lose interest in me or they’ll judge me. But did it help me ? In the short run -Yes ,but in the long run- No! Coz people who’ll eventually get bored or judge you on your stories are not long run kinda people. And sabotaging your mental health just to entertain them is not a good choice. And I am really grateful for having friends who are the long run kind. And when I share my phases with them, they feel more comfortable in sharing theirs too. It’s just that we adults chose to complicate things too much that we even need therapists for talking our feelings today !

So Rule #2 for preserving mental health is - to just call a friend and talk. Talk whatever you wanna and talk irrespective of the fact that 'what will they think of you ?'

If you feel they are bored or being judgmental, you ll know that they are definitely not in a ‘friend in need’ for future references and if they talk to you without being judgemental, then congrats you got a keeper and you have got to keep her/him !

3. Being okay with the fact that people don’t know your side of the story

If someone is living his life only to make it ‘worth telling’, he is ironically not living one!

This was a very recent realisation. For the major part of our lives we have been told several lies. Several lies that we just accepted as celebrated truths later on. I mean, I have heard many people of my age saying that ‘my story should be something that people will want to hear and get inspired from’ and this is also one of the parameters of success that we have set for ourselves. And to be honest, one of the mini reasons for me to start blogging was that ‘internet should know that I exist'(because I don’t use social media). But not later than a month after I started blogging, I asked myself multiple times – Why is it so important for me to put my story out there? Why is it so important for us that people should want to hear our stories?

And my mind could not produce a reasonable explanation. As a ripple effect, more questions popped up, like- Are we still seeking validation from people to approve our stories ?Why can’t we remain comfortable in the fact that we can live our lives and nobody will hear our ‘story’ and that’s also completely okay ?

The only conclusion that I was getting was that the fulfillment of our lives does not depend on the fact that people wanna hear our stories or not.

So Rule #3 is to be okay with the fact that people don't know your part of the story.

Being completely comfortable in this fact just tells that we don’t need to prove a point to someone about ‘having a life’.

On ending note –

I am taking Adulthood as ‘being a responsible child’ ,coz then it will simplify alot of things for me, it may sound juvenile, but as Rule #3 says I don’t need to prove a point 😂.

I’d love to hear your feedback. And if you also have to define adulthood in one line, how will you do that ?

Thanks for reading. 🌼